If you were an alien learning about human dating by watching every episode of “The Bachelorette,” you would likely come to believe that a date means going skydiving, having a country musician surprise you with a private concert, or sitting in front of a twinkle-lit dinner but never quite eating anything on your plate. And those can be dates! But often, the nicest activities are far simpler. And I’m here to tell you one of the simplest, cheapest, and most fun dates of all involves going to the grocery store. Specifically, Trader Joe’s.
Hear me out: Between its zany graphic design, plethora of snacks, and Mad Libs flavor combinations, Trader Joe’s is like an amusement park for groceries. It has such a frenzied and loyal allegiance that people have debated whether its following could qualify as a cult. The employees are famously flirty, adding to the atmosphere of romance! And, if you’re shopping at a location that serves beer and wine, you can find some mouthwatering bottles for blissfully bottom-shelf prices.
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Though you’ve probably been to Trader Joe’s and even been grocery shopping with your partner, a recent TikTok trend proposes an old-school way to turn the mundane activity into a memorable date night: Play rock-paper-scissors. Go shopping for dinner, but for each course of the meal (appetizer, main, dessert, beverage), throw down hands to decide who gets to choose the dish. After seeing the trend on my timeline, I decided to take it for a test run to see just how fun a grocery shopping date could be. Here’s how it went.
I did not anticipate being so embarrassed to play rock-paper-scissors in public. I ushered my boyfriend to the end of the freezer aisle to compete in peace and he ruthlessly dominated my paper with scissors. He scanned the frozen appetizer selection and landed on Mini Vegetable Samosas, a South Asian pastry I love — and a relative steal at $3.79 for 12 pieces.
I learned my lesson from last round that being paper is no way to win! This time I played scissors, a historically successful move, yet he pulled a fast one on me by playing rock and winning yet again. He opted for the Mandarin Orange Chicken ($4.99 for a five-servings bag) because he says he’s never tried it (later, while eating dinner he will say, “Oh, I actually have had this before!”) and we decided to cook some white rice at home to go with it. Though I have no say in the matter, given that the orange chicken is consistently a top-selling Trader’s Joe’s item, I completely stand by his choice.
I am not above someone letting me win!! My boyfriend apparently is. We rock-paper-scissors and once again he ruled with an iron fist (rock). Dessert is very important to me so I hovered anxiously as he perused the frozen dessert aisle, the little treats section, and the baked goods area. He finally picked up the Chocolate Brooklyn Babka ($5.99) and I was thrilled. Layers of soft, chocolatey pastry that are deliciously sweet without being cloying? It’s almost as if I have won the round.
I am going to bravely tell the truth: I lost again. But, like the incredible sport I am, I begged for a rematch and won! This was not in our original rule book, but I would recommend having a one-rematch caveat for anyone trying out this date idea for themselves. I victoriously whisked the cart over to the wine section and end up landing on a bottle of the non-alcoholic seasonal Sugar Plum Sparkling Beverage ($3.99). Later, I made a drink with Tito’s vodka, lime juice, Sugar Plum goodness, and a champagne gummy bear sunk into the glass for good cheer, dubbing it the Candy Land Cocktail. One has to wonder what this kind of creativity could have done for a main course or appetizer.
Bonus round: Snack for the ride home
We were hungry for dinner, so we play one more hand for a good to-go snack. In a surprise twist, my boyfriend won again and makes an excellent choice to get some lentil and chickpea Papadums ($2.69), which was the perfect crisp and savory snack to tide us over while we got home and heated up the oven. And of course, I grabbed some Friday Flowers on the way out.
Was the Trader Joe’s date night worth it?
At less than $25 for dinner for two (plus leftovers), it was certainly worth it. Gamifying the grocery shopping process — an activity I actually love to do anyway — made it fun, and putting on some music while making the resulting meal felt so much more special than just heating up a frozen dinner. Though cooking a gourmet, multi-step recipe is also very romantic, this version was not only inexpensive but also didn’t take a lot of time, making it perfect for even a midweek date night. I was also able to pick up some other grocery staples I needed in the process, and I’m a big fan of anything that makes the daily chores I can take for granted feel extra special.
It took me years to accept that I am, undeniably, a messy person. Regardless of how big my space is or who I share it with, keeping my home neat and tidy has always been a struggle. Despite having a home that’s clean, in the hygienic sense, and decorated with great care and intention, I’ve never quite been able to summon the energy to make my bed every morning, consistently pick my pajamas up off the bathroom floor, or do my dishes every single night. For most of my life I’ve fought against these messy tendencies, but now, I’ve grown to embrace them. Just as often as my home is perfectly organized, it’s in a complete state of disarray — and I’m slowly becoming okay with that.
I love my home most when it’s filled with my favorite people. In a dream world, my place is somewhere friends meet to do nothing, picking over whatever’s in the fridge, playing a movie in the background while we chat or nap on the couch, and sometimes decide to stay the night when the trip home feels too arduous. Despite my love of hosting, I always find myself extremely stressed before having guests over — even more so when friends unexpectedly pop by — because I feel obliged to tidy away all signs of my messy lifestyle. But now, after years of failed attempts to change my ways, I’ve concluded the only way forward is to find comfort in the joy that is a slightly disheveled home.
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I believe there is an intimacy to be found in mess: a dog-eared magazine lying open on a coffee table, an empty bottle of wine left on a kitchen counter, an uncapped skincare product sitting on the edge of the bathroom sink. For every item left out of place, there is a thread of connection waiting to be found. To me, this intimacy is what makes visiting a friend’s home, as opposed to meeting them in a bar or restaurant, so special. But when the reality of our lives have been tidied away before arrival, it’s easy for those meaningful threads to be lost.
Celebrity and influencer home tours are often presented as “revealing”, “unexpected” or, in the case of Emma Chamberlin’s viral Architectural Digest tour, “deeply personal.” As thrilling it is to know which celebrities have a $7,000 polished brass bathtub and see million-dollar homes styled without a single object out of place, I can’t help but imagine how much more exciting it would be to see these homes with something, anything, slightly ajar, like their bedroom after they’ve spent an hour deciding what to wear or their kitchen after they’ve hosted a group of celebrity friends for dinner. I apply the same level of intrigue to my own friends.
To me, the most meaningful home compliment I can give or receive has got to be: “Your place feels so homey.” Of course, soft cushions, warm lighting, and good heating all contribute to feelings of hominess as soon as you step over the threshold, but mostly it’s the feeling that a home is inviting you to be yourself, to slouch, to curl, to pull a book off the shelf and flick through its pages without fear. There is a sense of comfort and closeness that I only feel when I arrive at a friend’s house and see their mess.
For every person who lives in a constant state of tidy (I know they exist and I have nothing but respect for them) there’s got to be someone else like me, whose home is a little scrappy, unkempt at times, but, most importantly, lived in. If that’s you, consider this your sign to let go and welcome people into the home you really exist in — not the one you’ve spent a frenzied two hours cleaning before their arrival.
Charli Penn is the Executive Lifestyle Director at Apartment Therapy and an award-winning journalist, editor and Webby-nominated former podcast host who writes in the name and praise of all things good living (and loving!). She thoroughly enjoys photography, 90s R&B, and all things gold accents. When she’s not curled up at home spending quality time with her husband and their two small dogs, you’ll find her traveling, redecorating (again), perusing a Home Goods aisle or planning an impromptu theme party for family and friends.
Home is the most personal space we have, and sharing it with someone special can be intimidating and richly rewarding. Most couples, however, have to work through some difficulties before they make it to happily ever after.
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Even if you stay with each other most nights and are practically living together already, there’s a difference between having your own space to return to and only having a shared space. If you don’t adjust properly, you may experience frustration or resentment. In my years counseling couples on cohabitation and intimacy as a certified sex and relationship therapist, these are the seven best pieces of advice I give to couples who want to move in together.
Decide for yourselves, not for convenience.
It’s easy to look at inflation and rising rent costs and think that living together just makes sense. Economically, it does — but that shouldn’t be your sole reason for living together. Any steps you take with your partner should be based on the strength of your relationship itself, not circumstance.
It’s okay to decide that it’s not the right time to live together. It doesn’t mean your relationship is failing or going nowhere. It’s far worse be rush forward than it is to move slowly and surely.
When people go from dating to cohabiting, sometimes sex lives can fall by the wayside. Even if you don’t want to sleep together often, it’s important to set aside time to be intimate with each other in and out of your home.
While there’s no one-size-fits-all answer for a good sex life, couples who sleep together at least once per week are often happier with themselves and their relationship. When people date, being together is an occasion. They put more effort into appearances, activities, and physical contact. When they live together, this dynamic can change. Instead of being an event, being together is the norm. This can take some getting used to, but it’s important to nurture intimacy with your partner.
If you can, find a new space.
While it may seem simple to move into your partner’s place or have them move into yours, it’s important to remember that you both have memories and expectations about what a home should be. No matter how close you are, you’re different people who will sometimes need different things.
If your partner moves in with you, for example, you’ll quickly have less space, less privacy, and likely a different level of cleanliness than you’re used to. On their end, the home might feel less comfortable because it’s already been yours and they have less opportunity to make it their own.
On the other hand, moving into a new place allows both of you to build that space together. The decorations, appliances, furniture, and atmosphere will represent your relationship instead of just one of you.
Keep time for yourselves.
Everyone has different ways of relaxing, recharging, and enjoying their free time. Even if you and your partner enjoy the same things, there will be times when you want to do those things alone. This does not mean that your partner doesn’t love you or is losing interest. It means that no matter what, everyone needs some time to themselves. If your partner wants to play video games, paint, quietly watch TV, read a book, or just sit and look at their phone, let them!
A healthy relationship respects the individuality of both partners as much as the bond they have together. If you find yourself wanting to spend more time with your partner while they need alone time, try to find activities or hobbies you can enjoy by yourself while they’re recharging.
Set standards for your home.
No one grows up the same way, so people have different ideas about how clean a home should be, when to do chores, and how to do them. If you leave dishes in the sink, don’t replace the toilet paper roll, or go two weeks without washing your sheets, it doesn’t mean either of you is lazy. It just means you prioritize things differently. You’ll need to agree on common standards to get along.
You may want to divide chores on a schedule, giving yourself a few days a week to handle housework while your partner takes the others. You may also find it easier to divide by chore, handling the laundry while your partner handles the kitchen.
There’s no right or wrong way to divide housework, but it should be as fair as possible and you should write down whatever you agree on. Above all, try to be understanding with each other if something doesn’t get done — no schedule is perfect, and sometimes both of you will have off days.
Money is one of the main causes of fights in any relationship, but you can avoid this by agreeing on how much to spend on what. Even if you have separate accounts, you’ll likely be splitting the cost of rent, groceries, and bills. It’s important to set a budget where prices are flexible.
For example, my previous partner and I disagreed on groceries often. I’m a budget shopper — I buy the cheapest ingredients and snacks and turn them into meals. My partner, on the other hand, was a culinary graduate and restaurant manager who had high standards for ingredients. I did most of the shopping, so you can imagine he was a little upset with my purchases from time to time.
After a few disagreements, we decided to make a list of things that needed to be “fancy.” We couldn’t only buy expensive food within our budget, so we decided on a few ingredients where quality was important. I’d buy expensive versions of items like honey or parmesan and cheaper versions of other things. It was a compromise, but in the end, we were both happy and stayed within our budget.
Be patient with conflict.
There’s no way around it — eventually, you two will fight. The key is not to avoid fights, but to approach them with patience and understanding. Your relationship is not you versus your partner, but both of you versus the situation. Explain your feelings respectfully (i.e. “when you do this, it makes me feel this way”), and realize that sometimes it’s best to wait a few minutes or hours until you’ve cooled off before addressing what makes you upset.
This is the one thing I counsel my clients on before they move in together: Is your partner willing and able to solve problems with you? If they are, the rest will fall in place over time. Expect conflict and don’t be afraid to address it. Every relationship has problems — this doesn’t mean you’re failing, it only means you’re growing as a couple.
Though cheery commercials and sappy Hallmark movies would have everyone believe otherwise, the holidays can be a pretty fraught time for many people. Spending quality time with family members sounds great in theory, but in reality, it can be super stressful.
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“The holidays often demand interactions with people we only see once or twice a year,” says licensed mental health counselor Alyssa Mairanz, who runs Empower Your Mind Therapy and created an “Adulting in the Real World” life skills course. “So, we’re not always used to the challenges of different personalities, needs, beliefs, and values.”
From backhanded compliments about your hair, to intrusive questions about your relationship status, to super-charged debates about politics, family gatherings can quickly become tense and unpleasant. One way to help protect your mental and emotional well-being through all of this? Setting boundaries.
“Setting boundaries refers to putting guidelines in place for how other people can access you, your energy, your time, your space, or your things,” says Laura Sgro, a licensed clinical social worker in California.
But setting boundaries is easier said than done, especially if you’re new to the concept. I checked in with several mental health experts for their tips on how to make spending the holidays with family successful this year — here’s what they had to say.
If you know a topic will be controversial, don’t bring it up.
You may be tempted to bring up a bit of juicy political news or family gossip at the dinner table, but if you know that your family can’t have a respectful, productive conversation, then it may be best to steer clear. Yes, in an ideal world, you should be able to talk about anything and everything with your family. But, unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal world and there are certain topics that usually cause more harm than good.
“The goal shouldn’t be to incite debate or strong feelings,” says Leigh McInnis, a licensed professional counselor and the executive director of Newport Academy in Virginia. “If you know a topic is going to stir things up, don’t go there.”
You can even take it a step further by letting your loved ones know ahead of time what you are and are not comfortable discussing, says Sgro. “Setting a boundary might sound like, ‘I’m really excited to see you this Thanksgiving, but I want to let you know I’m not willing to talk about politics this year. If we get into that discussion, I’ll have to excuse myself,’” Sgro recommends.
If a family member oversteps, consider the source of their comment.
Parents particularly have a hard time letting go of their children and want to feel involved in their lives, so they may unknowingly cling to the belief that they still know what’s best for you, says Mairanz. Often, this attachment manifests as offering unsolicited advice or asking intrusive questions, which can put you in an awkward spot.
But before you respond, stop for a moment and contemplate the motivation behind the person’s comment. Most likely, they’re speaking from a place of care. If you feel that’s the case, consider saying something that acknowledges and validates their concern for your well-being while also firmly setting limits. For instance, if a family member comments on your body, consider saying something along the lines of: “I appreciate your concern but I’m not comfortable discussing my body,” Mairanz says.
Also take into account that there may be cultural or generational gaps that affect how your loved ones communicate or respond to your boundaries. “This isn’t an excuse if they push back, but rather context for you to know how to set realistic expectations with your loved ones,” says Sgro.
If you know family gatherings will be tough on you, identify some self-care tools.
Long before you hop in the car to head to grandma’s house, make a list of healthy coping strategies for dealing with any boundary-violating behaviors that arise, says McInnis. “Maybe it’s going for a walk or journaling. Maybe it’s calling a trusted friend or watching a movie,” she says. “Have something healthy that you can turn to if a situation triggers you.”
If you can bring a friend or partner, lean on them for help.
While your spouse, partner, or friend can’t set boundaries for you, they can help support you in your boundary-setting efforts. They can also help you create some space for yourself throughout the gathering, says Sgro. “So-and-so and I are going to take a quick walk to get some air,” she recommends.
If too much togetherness creates problems, go your own way.
In that same vein, try to build breaks into your holiday schedule more broadly. Though families may insist on spending every waking moment together to maximize quality time, that’s not necessarily the best course of action, says Sgro.
“If some of you want to watch a holiday movie, but others would rather go for a hike, it’s fine to spend some time apart,” she says. “This helps to keep holiday gatherings manageable and to ensure that there’s something for everyone.”
If the conversation makes you uncomfortable, share that or leave the room.
One of the easiest ways to set a boundary at family gatherings is to simply share when a topic makes you uncomfortable and express your desire to move along. Say something like, “This isn’t something I feel comfortable talking about right now. Maybe we can find a topic that interests all of us,” suggests Sgro. Then, bring up a new topic.
And if all else fails, get up and leave the room. Excuse yourself to the restroom, offer to wash dishes, head out for a quick walk, or volunteer to make a run to the grocery store.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider sitting this year out.
Perhaps visiting your family fills you with so much dread and anxiety that you feel it’s best to opt out entirely — and that’s OK, too. “If you are concerned for your mental or emotional wellness related to attending a gathering, you are not obligated to go under any circumstances,” says McInnis. “You may feel pressure from others, but you have the right to respect what is best for you and put your needs first.”
However, before you fire off a text to your mom, consider asking yourself some tough questions, McInnis says. For example, are you missing out on quality time with loved ones because you feel uncomfortable setting other types of boundaries? Are you making assumptions about how family members will respond to specific boundaries because of actual past experiences, or because you just assume you know how they’ll react? Do the pros of sitting out this year actually outweigh the cons?
Of course, if you do decide not to attend family get-togethers, consider the range of possible responses — and keep your goals and motivations top of mind. “We can’t control their reactions to our boundaries, we can only control our communication and the choices we make in response to them,” says Sgro. “It’s also important to remember that you’re taking care of yourself and prioritizing your needs, which is an act of self-love. In many cases, setting more rigid boundaries like reducing contact can preserve the relationship because it helps you avoid feeling burnt out or resentful from repeated negative experiences.”
